one life

That was like a movie or something

I need no one to ever want to be involved with me again. I need everyone to get out of my life. I don’t want friends, I don’t want anyone interested in me, I don’t want anyone even looking at me. I need to move away. I need to know better than to have let her want me. I can’t. No one deserves this. I need to go back to March 27th and get her to take back saying she loved me for the first time. I need to go back to April 15th, when I was in her arms and she was falling asleep, and I need to not kiss her for the first time. Better yet, I need to go back and say no to going over to her house because I had a boyfriend. Or the best thing that could happen to me right now is to go back to the night I met her at that party, and not let her take my hand. I need to go back to when she walked in the room and not look at her and say to say myself “Wow.. I want her so bad” even though I didn’t even know her name. I need to not feel that instant want for her.

I wouldn’t be so fucked up. I wouldn’t be hurting myself in so many more ways than one. And she wouldn’t be so emotionally hurt. And we both would be okay people. I hope she ends up with her, even though she doesn’t necessarily want it, because she’s better than me. I hope she’ll treat her better than I did, even though I know I could do that myself. I know I can be better than anyone, I just haven’t been. I know I have been better than anyone. I know how she used to feel and it fucking tears me apart knowing what I did.

I made one mistake in attempt to get her back and it backfired worse than I ever thought it could have.

And now I have absolutely nothing.  

And I hope he finds some wonderful girl too. Because holy fuck does he ever deserve that, such a nice, caring, giving, sweet, pretty much perfect boy. I hope he finds someone who will fall in love with him and know what they have when they have it, and know that they are the luckiest girl in the world.  

Now I need to disappear from everyones lives.  

I honestly don’t know how I’m supposed to live with myself.

I think we all agree the world would be a better place without me in it. 

I’m gonna be sick. I’m just waiting for the tiny bit of food that I made myself eat today to come up. I’m about to go into an all out break down I haven’t felt like this since january.  

I don’t know what to do I don’t fucking know what to do  

im gonna throw up

I just said the words “I need to watch Harry Potter before I kill myself.” But I was so serious.

People don’t get how much this movie saves me sometimes. This isn’t the first occasion. 

I’m so fucking scared.